Posts from 2001

Note #60 by Agatha at Mon Jan 22 15:35:34 2001 on board flame
Title: Death Takes a Holiday in York 

Welcome to the wierd and wonderful world of Agatha, Sera, Sasquatch and Rogi.......

Here you go Sera, Sunday!

> l
/w/york/towncentre/
This is the centre of York. To the north, west and north west, roads 
lined with shops lead away from the central junction, whilst to the 
south the main road crosses the main bridge over the River Ouse. The 
main road heads off the the east toward the edge of town.
It is a freezing cold spindlewinter's day with heavy cloud cover.
There are five obvious exits: north, south, east, west and north west.
As a creator you can see:
/w/york/towncentre/
This is the centre of York. To the north, west and north west, roads 
lined with shops lead away from the central junction, whilst to the 
south the main road crosses the main bridge over the River Ouse. The 
main road heads off the the east toward the edge of town.
It is a freezing cold spindlewinter's day with heavy cloud cover.
There are five obvious exits: north, south, east, west and north west.
Death is crossing the road here.
Mozart is dancing by the side of the road.
> l death
Well, its certainly Death. Skeletal. Black robe. Scythe. He's 
crossing the road, but he's not doing his job too well, as Mozart is 
dancing beside the entrance to the York Dungeon. 
He is a container.
He is in good shape.
He is crossing the road.
Holding : a scythe (right hand and left hand).
Wearing : a black robe.
His purse is home only to moths.
> l mozart
A dancing Mozart is a somewhat confusing sight. He's dressed in the 
style of the seventeenth century, and is quite merrily dancing about 
outside the York Dungeon. 
He is in good shape, surprisingly so for someone who lived several 
centuries ago.
He is dancing next to the entrance to the York Dungeon.
Wearing : a red jacket, black hose and a white powdered wig.
His purse is home only to moths.

And the day could only get wierder from here.........

Agatha, cereal witch
Blaming Sasquatch, because its usually his fault ;P

Note #57 by Jhn posted at Fri Feb 9 19:55:42 2001 on board frog
Title: "Re:#2 You know you're tired if...."

On Fri Feb 9 03:11:21 2001, Lazerfx wrote:
> Doesn't know what cshell is... he's a bash bloke.

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Likes work, but she likes the beach more.
So she found a way
To combine work and play --
She sells C shells by the sea shore.

Note #50 by Dek posted at Mon Feb 12 07:08:55 2001 [Frog Board]
Title: "elephants"


Q: How many elephants can you fit in a taxi? 
A: Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back) 

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi? 
A: None, it's full of elephants. 

Q: What sport do elephants play in a taxi? 
A: Squash. 

Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? 
A: Because the white ones get dirty too fast. 

Q: Why do elephants live in herds? 
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes. 

Q: Why do elephants float on their backs? 
A: So they don't get their tennis shoes wet. 

Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish ,clomp,clomp,clomp, swish..? 
A: An elephant with a wet tennis shoe! 

Q: Where do you find elephants? 
A: It depends on where you lost them. 

Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house? 
A: There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it. 

Q: How do you put an elephant into refrigerator? 
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door. 

Q: How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator? 
A: Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door. 

Q: How can you tell when there's been an elephant in your refrigerator? 
A: Footprints in the butter. 

Q: How can you tell when there is an elephant in your refrigerator? 
A: Blue tennis shoes are left outside. 

Q: How can you tell when there are two elephants in you refrigerator? 
A: It's rather hard to close the door. 

Q:How can you tell when there've been four elephants in your refrigerator? 
A: There's a taxi waiting outside. 

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? 
A: Fridge is not large enough to hold them all. 

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? 
A: Sir. 

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? 
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you. 

Q: Why do elephants drink so much? 
A: To try to forget. 

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey,
yellow, grey, yellow? 
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! 

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow? 
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. 

Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees? 
A: They sit on an acorn and wait. 

Q: How do elephants get down from oak trees? 
A: They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn. 

Q: Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat? 
A: They walk under trees in Autumn. 

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 
A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient! 

Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? 
A: To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees. 

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? 
A: Because it was dead. 

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? 
A: It was glued to the first one. 

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? 
A: It thought it was a game. 

Q: And why did the tree fall down? 
A: It thought it was an elephant. 

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? 
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping. 

Q: What is a furry alligator? 
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. 

Q: Why are the pygmies so small? 
A: They can't tell time! 

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? 
A: You miss most of the picture! 

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole? 
A: Cold ones. 

Q: What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds? 
A: An elephant six-pack. 

Q: Why do elephants have cracks between their toes? 
A: For carrying their library cards. 

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled knees? 
A: From playing marbles... 

Q: What do you say when an elephant sneezes? 
A: "Gezundheit." 

Q: How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge? 
A: He asks if you accept Visa. 

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? 
A: Time to get a new fence. 

Q: Why do elephants travel in herds? 
A: Because if they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep. 

Q: What looks like an elephant and flies? 
A: A flying elephant. 

Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant? 
A: Grapes are purple. 

Q: How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're
color blind? 
A: Dance on it for awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant. 

Q: What did the grape say when the elephants stood on it? 
A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine. 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? 
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1 

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw elephants coming over the hill? 
A: "Look, there's elephants coming over the hill." 

Q: What did he say when he saw elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the
hill? 
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them. 

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw giraffes with sunglasses on coming over
the hill? 
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!" 

Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Hannibal coming over the hill? 
A: Nothing, elephants can't talk. 

Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in sunglasses
coming down the path? 
A: Voila les elephants. 

Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants over the hill? 
A: "Here comes a bunch of grapes over the hill". She was colourblind. 

Q: What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? 
A: About three thousand miles. 

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox? 
A: You don't know? I'll never give you a letter to post! 

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? 
A: You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant. 

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 
A: To stamp out forest fires. 

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 
A: To stamp out burning ducks!! 

Q: Why do giraffes have long necks? 
A: To spit on burning elephants!! 

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires? 
A: Smokey the Elephant. 

Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats? 
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved. 

Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish? 
A: So they can hide in a pea patch. 

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange? 
A: So they can hide in smartie boxes. 

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? 
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. 

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? 
A: No? Well, it must work then. 

Q: By the way, what is the black triangle sticking out of the custard? 
A: It's a shark. That's why the elephants hide... 

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? 
A: It's bike is outside. 

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? 
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. 

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? 
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. 

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of
your car? 
A: Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car! 

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your
car? 
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car! 

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of
your car? 
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car! 

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 
A: With a blue elephant gun. 

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? 
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. 

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? 
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. 

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? 
A: There are no yellow elephants. 

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water? 
A: Wet. 

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water? 
A: One by one. 

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work? 
A: Sole use of the elevator. 

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? 
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. 

Q: How do you run over an elephant? 
A: Climb up it's tail, dash to it's head and slide down its trunk. 

Q: How do you get down off an elephant? 
A: You don't. You get down off a duck. 

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? 
A: So that they don't sink in the sand. 

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? 
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. 

Q: What sound you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft? 
A: A-flat minor. 

Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp? 
A: A-flat major. 

Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble? 
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it. 

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble? 
A: One straw at a time. 

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs. 

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? 
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). 

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? 
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!". 

Q: Why do elephants have big ears? 
A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom. ( Noddy, Big Ears, get it? ) 

Q: What is grey and lights up? 
A: An electric elephant. 

Q: What is grey, has big ears, and a trunk? 
A: A mouse going on holidays! 

Q: How do you stop a herd of elephants from charging? 
A: Take away their credit-cards. 

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most? 
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... 

Q: Why do elephants need trunks? 
A: Because they don't have glove compartments. 

Q: Why do elephants have trunks? 
A: Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases. 

Q: What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk? 
A: An elephant going on vacation. 

Q: What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk? 
A: The same elephant, coming back from vacation. 

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs? 
A: To trip low flying canaries. 

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? 
A: Chicken's day off. 

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? 
A: To pick up the squashed chicken. 

Q: How does an elephant get out of a phone booth? 
A: The same way he got in. 

Q: Why do elephants have wrinkles? 
A: Ever tried to iron an elephant? 

Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? 
A: Take out all the matches first. 

Q: What does an elephant smell like before he takes a shower? 
A: An elephant. 

Q: What does an elephant smell like after he takes a shower? 
A: A wet elephant. 

Q: What do you call elephants who ride on trains? 
A: Passengers. 

Q: What did the elephant say when he walked into the bar? 
A: Ouch. 

Q: Where do babies elephants come from? 
A: Big storks. 

Q: What is grey and not there. 
A: No elephants. 

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled? 
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins. 

Q: How many legs does an elephant have? 
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back. 

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? 
A: Optimistic! 

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? 
A: Free Parking. 

Q: What do you call a six ton elephant walking down the street? 
A: Sir! 

Q: Why are chickens white and elephants grey? 
A: So you can tell them from bluebirds. 

Q: Why don't elephants ride bicycles? 
A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bell. 

Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl? 
A: Because they were wet! 

Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats? 
A: Who says they don't like them? 

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? 
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch". 

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway? 
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world) 

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
wearing pink sweatshirts? 
A: They're all on the same team. 

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed? 
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket. 

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? 
A: Lots of room. 

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers? 
A: Cinderelephant. 

Q: What do elephants take when they get hysterical? 
A: Trunkquilizers. 

Q: What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?

A: The Tusk Fairy. 

Q: Where do elephants with skincare problems go? 
A: Pachydermatologists. 

Q: How do elephants talk to each other? 
A: By 'elephone. 

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet? 
A: An elephant with spare parts. 

Note #3 by Blake on April 20, 2001 [Frog Board]
Title: Filk - Hotel CMOT Dibbler

Hotel Cmot Dibbler
(to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles)
Lead vocals-Blake
Lead hurdy gurdy, bongos & theremin-Glennridge
Lead guitar, xylaphone & harmonica-Hinge

On the dark lancre highway
Blue frogs in my hair
One smell of the swamp gas
Drifting up through the air

Up ahead in the gloomy
I saw a wibbily light
My backpack heavy, and my rations slim
I had to camp for the night

There was Gran in the doorway
I heard our Nanny yell
And I was thinking to myselves
This could be pizza but what is that smell?

Then she lit up a lantern
And she showed me the way
There were Wizards in the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the hotel C-mot-Dibb-ler
Such a lively place
Such a lively place (background)
Stare death in the face

Plenty of room at the hotel C-mot-Dibb-ler
All the food is dear
All the food is dear (background)
You can buy tea here

Her brain is definitely hive mind
She's got the broomstick again
She's got a lot of very handy spells
And some witchy friends

Now the thieves in the plaza
Steal shiny treats
Some thieve for the quota
Some thieve to the beat

So I talked with the Captain
Head of family Vimes
He said
We haven't used any logic here since, the begining of time.

And still those Wizards are chanting from far away
Casting runes in the middle of the night
Just to hear me say

Welcome to the hotel C-mot-Dibb-ler
Such a lively place
Such a lively place (background)
Stare death in the face

They're livin' it up at the Hotel C-mot-Dibb-ler
What a nice sunrise
What a nice sunrise (background)
Watch the fireflies

Fruitbats on the ceiling
They drink scumble on ice
And she said
We are all just fictional beings

Of our own device
And in the bursur's chambers
They womble like a beast
They pragi with their victims eyes

But they just can't cook the feast
Last thing I remember
I was rolling on the floor
I had to find the portal back to the beer I drunk before

Relax said the Sek priest
We are bursting to releave
You eat here any time you like
And catch a bad disease!

Note #58 by Occula posted at Mon Apr 23 08:42:53 2001
Title: "Licenced Thief's Alley"

Licenced Thiefs Alley

Id like to be a licenced thief
In an alley with a merchant and a cosh
Wed slink right in, lurk near a bin
In that alley with a merchant and a cosh

Id ask my friends to come and thieve
In that shady alley with me
Id like to be a licenced thief
In an alley with a merchant and a cosh

We would all steal and cop a feel
Knowing that were sneaking and unseen
Knocking on heads with bits of lead
In an alley where no Watchman would be

We would snatch and leave our slips
and then go shoplift fish and chips
Id like to be a licenced thief
In an alley with a merchant and a cosh

We would face and quickly case
The citizens that sit outside the Drum
(Sit outside the Mended Drum)
Oh what joy when we glimpse their toys
Forgetting that they might be well warded
(Might be well warded)

We would be so heavied you and me
Not going to pay our guild fees off
Id like to be a licenced thief
In an alley with a merchant and a cosh


O., hiding in Octopus's Garden

Note #97 by Tarzan posted at Thu May 24 08:26:43 2001
Title: "The Anatomy of the Bitch: How to Write a Great Whiny Post"

Warning: The following contains nothing but utter garbage created for 
the sake of humourous interpretation. 

This post, like any good one here on Discworld, is meant to explain 
something. Something so obvious and clear to one individual that (s)
he must shout it out to everyone else. This post will hopefully give 
you what you need to create an amazing rant.

Step 1: Choosing a topic
This is an important step, because without a good topic it will be 
impossible to get people as worked up as you hope to. Good choices 
for a topic usually include things like pointless, incoherent 
problems that involve only two people and should never be brought to 
the boards, stuff you know nothing about, issues over which you have 
little to no control over, and small problems that can be inflated to 
look like huge injustices. 

Step 2: Gathering facts
It is traditional that whiny posts have a number of facts to help 
back up whatever it is youre attempting to say. There are several 
good places to draw these facts from and they include logs, 
hearsay, rumors, past whiny posts that agree with what you want to 
say, and finally the names of any oldbie players that nod at you when 
you talk to them.

Step 3: Timing
Start your post as late as possible in your day. 1 to about 4 a.m. is 
a good window to shoot for. This works on two fronts. First it allows 
you to draw upon items that you make up as your body tries to drift 
off to sleep and second it allows you complete deniability at a later 
time should your post draw too much attention. Other ideas for timing 
include periods where youre incapacitated by alcohol, drugs, or it 
being your time of the month.

Step 4: The Post
The post being the most important bit its been given a sub-heading 
all its own.

A. The Subject
The subject is important in that it should be either very vague or 
very precise. Good examples of vague titles are ones that use one 
word usually a players name, an item, or a place and are only 
remotely linked to the rest of the post. The other road is the exact 
subject, where the subject itself is as long as the post. Whichever 
direction you take just remember that the subject should get people 
angry enough to at least glance at your post. Things to stay away 
from are anything that includes the words long, longish, or anything 
along those lines. No one has time for long things.

B. Outline, Outline, Outline
Every good post uses numbers, letters, or both to create an outline 
inside the post. This keeps things neat so you can organize your 
bitching and also allows you to hit several topics in one post.

C. Language
It is suggested that you try to use as many big words as possible in 
your post. This allows not only yourself to sound smarter but also 
others to sound dumber when they try to use words youve already 
used. Foreign words or those from ancient languages also help 
contribute to an overall feeling of superiority. In addition you 
should usually allow 8-12 words per post to be missplelld. This 
allows those stupider than you to complain about your butchering of 
the language rather then the actual content of your post in follow-
ups. 

D. Grammar
One of the keys to writing your piece is to make sure parts of it are 
clearly visible. This can be accomplished in a number of ways. Caps 
are the weapon of choice in this arena, as the CAPITLIZATION makes 
the word stick out much more then its nearby friends. There are 
others ways as well though some of the more popular are the 
_underline_, the *star*, and of course the ever popular assortment 
_*@!#$%&+/=*_. In addition it is usually customary to sprinkle a 
healthy amount of commas and other punctuation throughout your piece, 
to help make yourself look like you know what youre doing. Another 
fun device to use is prentices. Placing anything in these, again, 
makes it look like you know every in and out of the English language. 
Easy ways to use these include the gender bender, "(s)he", or any 
name drop youd like to throw in from time to time, And we all know 
people like that (Tarzan)

E. Humour
Yes even in the worst flame of a post humour has its place. It 
allows you to show the rest of the Disc that yes, you still have a 
heart. Use smiley faces :) as often as possible, even where its not 
applicable. These will win you a few allies and allow you deniability 
again by saying it was only a joke should you need to. 

F. The last few sentences
If at all possible at this point you should break out whatever facts 
you have left and create the largest stir possible by uttering 
complete nonsense. Strong language with * and substituted for 
vowels may also help your cause. Any insult/innuendo that you can 
come up with no matter whether it is related or not can be throw in 
at this point. In addition this would be an appropriate place to say 
something along the lines of and I know there are others who agree 
with me and state a few names. This will probably get you into more 
trouble but at least you wont take the fall alone. Threats and an 
extra sentence about revenge also belong in this block. 

G. The sign-off
End your post with your name, maybe a title or two, and an amusing 
little saying that involves maybe one sentence from the whole whiny 
post. While this may seem like a minor part, it is rather important. 
People may not read your whole post but they will see that sign off 
and if at all possible prey on it to make fun of you and your well 
planned bitch. Think long and hard about something that if made fun 
of can be twisted to make fun of your attacker.

Step 5: Log-off
Soon as you finish your post its time to leave. This way you cant 
get yelled at by to many people at once and in addition it will 
probably soon be time for first light and you should be going anyway.

Step 6: The follow-ups
Yes if you have been successful there should be quite a few of these. 
Hopefully at least fifteen, from both players and creators, so that 
you can really know you made a difference. For good measure you 
should be called something along the lines of a moron in at least 
1/2 the replies. You can, in turn, follow-up to each of these 
individually or of course wait a week and follow-up to all of them at 
once.

Hopefully this post can help lead many of the Discs new players into 
an age of enlightenment about how to complain publicly...

Tarzan
Silly

Note #40 by Wobin posted at Wed Jun 13 00:00:29 2001
Title: "Computer Woes"

Oh woeful is my work machine 
Woeful, woeful most extreme
It's slow, it's old, it's annoying
When it runs with Windows blowing...

<paradigm shift>

My Work Computer
Crashes hard more times than the
Newly fledged Spring Bird

<paradigm shift>

There was a computer from Dell
Which simply came straight out of hell.
It crashed and it froze
Oh this long list of woes
I can recite far, far too well...

<paradigm shift>

On a midday dark and dreary, As a coded tired and weary
O'er many an ancient tome and book of Visual Basic Lore.
Suddenly there came a cracking as my gentle gentle tapping
on the keyboard keys enwrapping the CPU on the floor
Sudden shock, and nothing more...

For the windows had been popping, verily now quite unstopping, 
as each key I pressed brought up another window to adore.
For my keyboard had decided, That the control key to hard wire it
and so every second key would bring up another window more...
Yet another to deplore...

<paradigm shift>

Windows appearing
Worse than
Porn.

Find, Explorer
Run... run... run...

Keys controlled by the devil

Control controlled by the...


Keyboard.

Must do...

STANDARD

Windows 
response

Note #79 by Occula posted at Thu Jun 14 08:20:44 2001
Title: "Trolling"

*Disclaimer: The sediments contained herein do not necessarily reflect 
those of the poster.*


Old Time Rocky Trolls

Just take those old boulders on the slope
I'll gaze at them and plan to elope
Those modern rollers ain't got the same soul
I like those old time rocky trolls

Don't try to take me down to Morpork
You'll never even get me into the Drum
To Quarry Lane I'd be rushing my bum
To search for old time rocky trolls

Still like those old time rocky trolls
Those igneous curves just thrill the soul
I wander through the quarries of old
Looking for old time rocky trolls

Don't want to meet them down on SoSo
I'd rather cross a bridge and pay them the toll
They do much better in the mountains and snow
Start thinking old time rocky trolls

Call me a fossil, call me what you will
Those diamond smiles make me run for the hills
Today's sediments ain't got the same soul
I like those old time rocky trolls

Still like those old time rocky trolls
Those igneous curves trill the soul
I wander through the quarries of old
Looking for old time rocky trolls

---
O.

Note #9 by Occula on June 20 2001 [Philosopher's Board]
Re:#4 Taft

On Tue Jun 19 18:05:48 2001, Awful wrote:
> Actually I think people like Mr. Taft should be encouraged. William
> Howard Taft was one of the best presidents America ever had! 

*cue Isaac Hayes*

Who's the 27th president
of the United States of America?
(Taft!)

You're damn right
Who is the man
who was U.S. Solicitor General from 1890 to 1892?
(Taft!)
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat that's sure to cop out
when there's trust-busting talk about?
(Taft!)
Right on

You see this Taft is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Taft!
(Then we can dig it)

He's an ineffectual man
But no one shut the door in J.P Morgan's face but his woman
(William Taft)


O., groovin'

Note #60 by Jhn at Tue Jul 10 8:47:01 2001 on board fluff
Re:#4 Jack Chick

On Mon Jul 9 18:57:25 2001, Presto wrote:
> On Mon Jul 9 18:42:58 2001, Nard wrote:
> > But how can you belong to this church for longer than 1 week? :D
> > If the church is older than a week old it disproves its own existe
nce.
> I *told* you. All my memories of any existence of the Church before
last
> Tuesday were created inside my head.

Actually, Nard's is a very good point. As a basic tenet of your 
faith, you believe that _everything you believed before last Tuesday 
is false_.

The fact that you don't believe you existed then does not negate the 
fact that your religion is making you extremely untrustworthy, since 
you can never hold to any one belief for more than a week.

In fact, we observe that you must abandon your _current_ faith next 
week, when Tuesday comes around again.

I would suggest conversion to the Church of Next Tuesday. Members of 
this faith believe the universe, et al, will be created _next_ 
Tuesday.

... 

Actually, that doesn't work either.

Hmm.

Ok. What about this: The Church of the Indeterminate Tuesday. As a 
member of this faith, you believe the multiverse was created on a 
Tuesday, but it is impossible to determine which.

The observant will immeidately realise that there are two distinct 
possible consistant faiths here. So we will schism our church into
The Church of the Indeterminate Tuesday (past) and The Church of the 
Indeterminate Tuesday (future).

The "past" sect believes that the multiverse was created on some 
Tuesday in the past. As time procedes forwards, more and more 
Tuesdays are added to the scope of the belief, and hence members of 
this faith know less and less. In the limit, they are completely 
ignorant. (compare, before the second tuesday of all time, they would 
have perfect and complete knowledge of the date of the world's 
creation. If we were able to run time backwards, we would approach 
this state in the limit, but not even mathematicians are routinely 
given the power to reverse the flow of time [1]. We observe, then, 
that classical religions (placing the creation of the universe at the 
beginning of time) are degenerate cases of this --- ie, they are 
subfaiths).

The "future" sect, OTOH, believes that the multiverse will be created 
on some future Tuesday. When it is created, it will be created as 
though what seems to be happening now really did happen. Now, at 
first glance, this might appear to be a mirror of the previous 
situation, in which "future" believers _gain_ knowledge as time 
passes (because the number of tuesdays upon which the world cannot 
have been created is increasing). However, this ignores some basic 
facts about infinite numbers: Only finitely many tuesdays have 
passed, but there may be an infinite number of tuesdays in the future 
[2]. However, we _can_ say that the universe will not have been 
created after any finite number of tuesdays have passed. This 
suggests that, in the limit, the universe does not exist at all 
(although it may be that it will be created after an infinite number 
of tuesdays have passed. This _may_ not be the impossibility it 
seems). At any rate, we observe that several philosophical systems 
are subfaiths of this branch.

Hmm.

I think this is an adequate religion, and a bit more logically 
consistant than Presto's original attempt.

-- 
jhn, m4stuh 7h3ol0g14n.

[1] Although it is instructive to speculate whether or not you would 
even notice, if this happened.
[2] Or there may not. This humble theologian does not know.

Note #24 by Occula posted at Wed Jul 11 09:25:34 2001
Title: "Sek Went Up To Lancre"


Sek Went Up to Lancre


by the Bestiality Carter Band




Sek went up to Lancre
He was lookin' for a heart to eat
He was feelin' mean 'cause he was gettin' lean
And he was craving some good fresh meat


When he came across this plump lady
Picking on a banjo and playing it hot
And Seven Hands got near to this juicy old dear
And said "Ma'am let me tell you what


I guess you didn't know it
But I'm a banjo player too
And if you'd care to take a dare
I'll make a bet with you


"Now you play pretty good banjo, ma'am
But give ol' Seven Hands his due
I bet a banjo of gold against your soul
And your steaming innards too"


The old lady said "My name's Nanny
And this might be a sore test
But I'll take your bet and you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm full of scumble and I'm the best"


Nanny you loosen up your hands
And pluck your banjo hard
'Cause Sek's broke loose in Lancre
And he's feelin' awful starved


And if you win
You get this shiny banjo made of gold
But if you lose
Sek won't wait til you're cold


So Sek opened up his case
And he said "I'll start up this band"
And fire flew from thirty-five fingertips
As he loosened up his hands


And he ripped his claws across the strings
And it made a wicked hiss
Then some passing Pictsies joined in
And it sounded something like this


When Seven Hands finished Nanny said
"Well, you're not too bad, li'l god
But sit down in that rocker there
And let me show you how it's done"

Yeti on the mountain, run boys run
Death's in the house of the mended drum
Greebo in the hen house makin' feathers go
Can the hedgehog be buggered, no child no


Ol' Sek gnashed his fangs
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he dropped that golden banjo
On the rug at Nanny's feet


Nanny said, "Sek, just come on back
If you ever want another test
But I told you once, you ugly god
I'm full of scumble and I'm the best"


She played...
Yeti on the mountain, run boys run
Death's in the house of the mended drum
Greebo in the hen house makin' feathers go
Can the hedgehog be buggered, no child no


Sek went away hungry
Knowin' that he'd been beat
And from seven arms fell that golden fiddle
To the rug at Nanny's feet


___
O.

Note #52 by Dogbolter posted at Wed Jul 11 14:30:41 2001
Title: "Cows!"


They're great, aren't they?


Big gooey eyes, with those lashes? Most women would give their right 
arm for lashes that big!

Those long tongues! They can pick their own noses with them. How 
good is that? 

Hot, sizzling steaks! Red and bloody on the inside, cooked and 
delicious on the outside. Warm juices mingling with mustard, pepper 
or horseradish. The smell of a steak in the pan, or on the grill. 

Milk! Cold and creamy, turning dark coffee into a smooth fluid, 
sweetening as it goes. Delicious. Milkshakes, chocolatey goodness, or 
strawberry. Vanilla, banana, whatever. 

Leather. Great looking trousers on about 3% of people who wear them 
for fashion, a life saver for far more who wear them onna bike. 
Handy for shoes, too.

Cheese. Soft cheese, hard cheese, holey cheese, cheese in a tube, 
blue, stinky, sweating, disgusting, lovely cheese. French cheese, 
English cheese, Swiss cheese. Fan-bloody-tastic.

Moo-ing noises. When you look up 'comedy' in the OED Online Edition, 
it simply has the noise of a cow mooing.

Calves! So stumbly and stoopid looking. What do you call a cow 
that's had an abortion? De-caffinated!

Glue. Take an old cow, remove the above items, and boil. HARD. Glue! 
Perfect for the backs of stamps. (Think hard before licking a stamp 
next time, Mrs Vegetarian.)

Db, oink.

Note #60 by Belgarion posted at Thu Jul 26 17:20:33 2001 [Fluff Board]
Title: "funn peolple"


peole at Witney, or nerabty atg least for being fnu all wweek, to 
every oneat hte site and to jet sking and the cluib house that 
flooats, and people for havin fun on their boasts om the lake, and 
barnecues, and karnaeoke, an frewe beer, n tom jonexor, skiiis, n 
arse oin the motorwaty for sayin we had a pounctire when we didnt, 
and bacoin butties in the morninhg, , evyreone for havin good patries 
with anynoe inviterd and loud musicxotrs


and engelbert humperdick for gdoo songxors to sing when udner the 
ifglurence.




------
mee

Note #48 by Virge at Tue Sep 11 07:13:39 2001 on board witchesguild
Title: A Song: Voulez-vous grouper avec moi?


Picture four characters all dressed as traditional witches:
Magrat ; Lil' Cheery ; Constable Angua ; Pinkfish (ok - really use your imagination)
Now picture them singing this song:


Where's all my weird sisters?
Let me hear y'all cackle sisters
Weird Sister, Beard Sister, Dog Sister, Ogg Sister
Weird Sister, Beard Sister, Dog Sister, Ogg Sister

He met Nanny Ogg down in Old Lancre Town
Starting' her broom on the street
She said "Wotcha, Lawks luv, you wanna give me a shove?"
Oh! uh huh

chorus
Wotcha Wotcha Ya Ya Da Da
Wotcha Wotcha Ya Ya Here
Cruisin' round the Ramtops Ya Ya
Wanna group with Nanny Ogg
Voulez-vous grouper avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous grouper avec moi?

He asked her to group for a stroll by the Djell
Soldiers and mercs on his mind
When she sliced up a priest
Then he started to freak - yeah; chorus

Magrat Raps (trying to show some "Ogg" style attitude):
We come through with the broomsticks and the pointy hats
And never carry too much 'cause we got our bats
We independent women, some mistake us for drones
But we demand respect because we're proud to be crones
Respect? got a problem? here try this apple
And if that aint enough I'll give you vines to grapple
Just don't expect to catch us dancin' in the nude
'Cause we're kick-ass sisters in a Bad-ass mood
Hey sisters, weird sisters, better check that brew sisters
We like being treated as your next of kin
So buy us all a drink or we'll shred you skin
You wanna Wotcha Wotcha dearie...
Sing it with us Cheery...
Yell it out like Nanny Ogg!
One more time C'mon now
Hey Hey Hey!

Picture of poise, she just ambled on
He was a bundle of nerves
As he stood there in shock
Said "We're food for a croc!
No, no, Noooooo!"
"Lawks deary, don't you go so wimpy now!"
Nanny knew what to expect.
"If the priests come you know
they'll just worship Greebo
Ho, Ho, Ho"
chorus

Virge. September 2001.

Note #9 by Asherah at Mon Oct 1 01:02:31 2001 on board frog
Title: Carmen Possum (longish, but cute)

As some of you may have noticed, I am back from my wondrous 
travels from forn parts. While I was away, A newfound friend 
introduced to this delightful poem, which I'd like to share 
with you, since a good bit of the discworld MUD population 
seems to know a bit of Latin. Even if you don't, you still 
might get a kick out of reading it out loud. Apologies in 
advance to those who've seen this a thousand times... 


Carmen Possum


The Nox was lit by lux of Luna
And 'twas a nox most opportuna
To catch a possum or a coona;
For nix was scattered o'er this mundus,
A shallow nix, et non profundus.
On sic a nox with canis unus.`
Two boys went out to hunt for coonus.
The corpus of this bonus canis
Was full as long as octo span is
But brevior legs had canis never
Quam bad hic dog; et bonus clever.
Some used to say, in stultum jocum
Quod a field was too small locum
For sic a dog to make a turnus
Circum self from stem to sternus.
Unis canis, duo puer,
Nunquam braver, nunquam truer
Quam hoc trio nunquam fuit
If there was I never knew it.
This bonus dog had one bad habit.
Amabat much to tree a rabbit,
Amabat plus to chase a rattus,
Amabat bene tree a cattus.
But on this nixy moonlight night
This old canus did just right.
Nunquam treed a starving rattus,
Nunquam chased a starving cattus,
But succurrit on intentus
On the track and on the scentum
Till he trees a possum strongum
In a hollow trunkum longum.
Loud he barked an horrid bellum
Seemed on terra vehit pellum.
Quickly ran the duo puer
Mors of possum to secure.
Quam venerit, one began`
To chop away like quisque man.
Soon the axe went through the truncum
Soon he hit it all kerchunkum.
Canis, pueri et staves
As his powers no longius carry
Possum potest, non pugnare`
On the nix his corpus lieth
Down to Hades spirit flieth
Joyful pueri, canis bonus
Think him dead as any stonus
Now they seek their pater's domo
Feeling proud as any homo
Knowing, certe, they will blosson
Into heroes, when with possum
They arrive, narrabunt story
Plenus blood et plenior glory
Pompey, David, Samson, Caesar
Cyrus, Black Hawk, Shalmanezer!
Tell me where est now the gloria
Where the honors of victoria?
Nunc a domum narrent story
Plenus sanguine, tragic, gory
Pater praiseth, likewise mater
Wonders greatly younger frater.
Possum leave they on the mundus
Go themselves to sleep profundus
Somniunt possums slain in battle
Strong as ursae, large as cattle.
When nox gives way to lux of morning
Albam terram much adorning
Up they jump to see the varmen
Of the which this is the carmen.
Lo! possum est resurrectum.
Ecce pueri dejectum.
Ne relinquit back behind him
Et the pueri never find him.
Cruel possum! bestia vilest.
How the pueros thou beguiles.
Pueri think non plus of Caesar.
Go ad Orcum, Shalmanezer!
Take your laurels, cum the honor
Since ista possum is a goner!

Copied by Asherah
I take no responsibility for spelling, punctuation, or intelligence 
of the characters. :)

Note #32 by Ellaron posted at Wed Oct 10 04:54:05 2001 
Title: "Re:#7 That M$ Driving Thing [long]

On Tue Oct 9 18:24:37 2001, Pepsi wrote:


> Who in sane mind would want to get up every morning and get carried 
> to work in a car controlled by "Microsoft Commute! Your popular car 
> driving application version 1"? 


Hmm....
*phone Micro$oft support*


Driver: "Hello, M$car has crashed, the car is all locked up and I'm can't get to work!"
M$: "Please hold the line, your call is very important to us!"
M$: "All our lines are busy at the moment, please hold and an operator will be with you shortly!"
M$: *crappy lift-style-nerve-grating-almost-recognisable-so-
called-music-played-on-a-styla phone*
M$:  "Hello, this is Jeff, how may I help you?"
Driver: "My windscreen has turned blue, I can't see or do anything, and I can't get to work!"
M$: "OK sir, I want to you leave your car, lock it up, then unlock it and restart your engine."
Driver: "But I'm in the middle lane of the motorway...."


OR
Driver: "Sorry I'm late for work, M$car crashed on me again."
PHBoss: "Don't blame M$, they are wonderful, we wouldn't have cars without them, it's not M$ that's at fault, you are just driving it wrongly!"
Driver: "But that's the point, M$car drives itself."
PHBoss: "Then you need to upgrade to M$car2K."
Driver: "But that means I need 5 more seats, 6 more wheels, 3 extra engines and 4 windscreen wipers!"
PHBoss: "No you don't, it says on the packaging that it will run in a family saloon, with 8 wheels, 7 seats, a sunroof and only 2x5litre engines!"


OR
Driver:  "I want to buy MACar V.2 please!"
Sales: "Oh no you don't, you want M$car2K TurdEdition!"
Driver: "But I've heard that the MACar version is more reliable, only`requires one pedal and has an intuitive interface!"
Sales: "Sir doesn't want a MACar, they are inflexible, think of all the extras you can get with M$car2K, there are many more pedals to play with, for instance, you can watch pr0n on your screen while it drives, it can tell you about the latest advances in earwax technology... the list goes on!" 
Driver: "Err, what about Carnux? That's compatible with any vehicle and lets you travel faster doesn't it?"
Sales: "True, but it is difficult to start te engine if you don't know what you are doing, and it isn't compatible with M$ games!"
Driver: "Doesn't installing M$car put lots of holes in your bodywork? I've heard that you don't need to use your key to get in or to start the engine?"
Sales: "I can assure you that if there were any such problems, M$ would have them solved before you buy their product! Though we do suggest that you don't drive down the same road as other M$cars, just to be safe..."


Ellaron "waffling" Lirralorn