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Note #1 by Blake ... [Frog Board] Title: Sound of Discworld Hello discworld my old friend... I've come to talk with Fish again... because the waters softly glistening... disturb my thoughts when I am sleeping... and the vision, that is swimming, in my brain... still remains... this is the mud, of discworld... Ankh morpork streets i walked alone... down the filth and cobblestones... i passed beneth a street lamp, kicked a juggler then a poor tramp, When my lung was stabbed with the pain of a muggers blade, that bum must pay, ill get him yet, on discworld. And in the moonlit night I saw, Ten thousand wolfies, maybe more. Wolfies stalking without napkins, Wolfies howling without listening, Wolfies snarling songs while trolls do not care, and no one dares, disturb the Grflx, of discworld. "Yetis" said I, "You do not know, Heresy like a cancer grows. Feel my wrath that I might slay you, Taste my stew that I might feed you." But my words like saucy porridge fell, And echoed, On the peaks of discworld. And the wombles bowed and prayed, To the Fishy god they made. And then Fish flashed out its spawning, Frothy seas that soon were forming. And then Fish said, "The brave of the discworld are often fighting proud, so join them now, And worship Fish, on Discworld".
Note #2 by Taffyd ... [CWC Board] Title: Feng shui! I saw a book today in a bookshop called "Dumb Feng Shui", and thought some of the suggestions might fit in well with Cwc. It is funny anyway. ;) I'll quote now. :P "Feng shui, pronounced 'fung shway' as often as possible, is the ancient Chinese practice of increasing good fortune by influencing the whereabouts and characteristcs of the cosmic energy called Qi (pronounced 'gee!' and also known as 'the dragon's breath' or 'Righto, who had the egg sandwich?'). A home or office laid out according to the feng shui principles will make the inhabitants rich, happy and the possesors of unaturally large pensises (men) with an increased incidence of good hair days (women). sadly, the art, or science, of feng shui is sometimes practised by charltans who make it all up by simply applying a few traditional principles gleaned from the pages of ladies' magazines, therefore not only endangering their own fortunes, but threatening the very gravitational pull of the earth. This set of half-arsed interpretations based on a little knowledge and formulated by idiots is known as dumb feng shui. This book was written by just such an idiot." "Your career can be enlivened by the introduction of fish to your livingroom. Eels can look very attractive bunched in a vase on a side table." "If it is too much trouble to look after live fish, simply put a can of sardines in your pocket." "Red tassels will enliven any area. I personally have found it particularly helpful in the nipple department." "Your house has a wealth corner. There are some items you can place there which will cause you to make more money. Buggered if I can remember what they are." "Desperate for sex? Place a large inflatable doll wearing suspenders in your front window, and a red lantern on the front porch." "It is better to sleep with your head in a bucket and your feet out of the window than to face the door." "Electrical force-field energy is very ill-omened. If you sleep with your head near a power-point. don't poke it with barbecue fork." "Toilets are very negativistic. Do not have one in your home." "If you must have a toilet do not decorate it with pictures of Princess Margaret as this will play merry hell with your inner whoosh." "If you have a ceiling fan, do not place a chair beneath it and then stand on the chair." "Case study: One of my clients, Lorraine Thud, had not had sex since 1964. I placed a chartreuse-coloured turtle in Lorraine's corsetry corner, and soon afterwards she was felt up on a bus!" "Flowing water inside the home will increase your fortune, unless you have to call the plumber." "Turn bookshelves to the wall to avoid the dissiptating knowledge factor. Individual books should be taped closed or burned." "The stove (fire) should not be placed next to the fridge (water). It is better to bury your perishable foods in the garden (earth)." "Fruit in the bedroom is usually an excellent omen. Slices of rockmelon in a pillowcase will enhance ytour chances of promotion." "A banana sewn into the back of a pyjama top could cause disgruntlement." "Don't leave your doors open at night as your positive energy will dribble down the fron steps. Also, burglars might get in. And maybe wildebeests." "You must not have a big fat yang and a teeny-weeny yin. THere should be at least two parts yin to one part yang. Yang gluts mean cranky butts. If there is too much yin, drink more gin. Extra bits of yin should be sent to the yin-bin. Burn ylang-ytlang for too much yang." "Lucky three-legged frogs are common door wardens. In a pinch, however, a dismembered cane toad will do." "If your house is on a main road, you may be overcome by 'sacred fumes'. Wear a gas mask and circle the garden in the nuddy until your neighbours build a cosmic fence." "Dried flowers are not good feng shui. Instead arrange an attractive posy of dried prunes in a south-west corner. It will attract good fortune. And fruitbats." "Husbands are less likely to be unfaithful is the bedroom furniture is arranged anti-clockwise." "Never sit facing a toilet door. Try to lie sideways or stand on your head." "The fen shui bagua, or pa kua, principle involves absymal middle sons, feminine and masculine yiny yangy business and something to do with mirrors. It is a lot easier to put a pot plant in the south-east corner without knowing why." "Children should sleep in an all-white bedroom and be given a small stick to play with." "Build a mountain in your backyard (known as the Black Tortoise) to provide protection from the rear, or simply slip a hub cap down the seat of your trousers (the Silver Mollusc) which will provide symbolic relief." "Yin energy is kind of moist and negative and passive, curved and earthy, like a dead mouse." "Yang energy is hot and blokey and up and strong, like a drunken cry for help." "The lo-pan (pronounced lopin) is the feng-shui compass. You don't need to know that. It just sounds pretty convincing, don't you reckon? Also, shui lung is water dragon, if anybody asks." "If you'd rather be rich, just put a fish tank in your glovebox and a potted plant on your desk." "If your home is L-shaped, fill in the missing part of the shape by building a greenhouse, skating rink, or small arms factory." "Facing each other directly in chairs can be confrontational. Place chairs in different rooms and communicate through tins connected by string." "Hang a vivacious bamboo floot from th eceling. If you can't get one, dangle a euphonium or a small Hammond organ." "Evil leprechaun-type personages called shiaoren (or Sharons) will gather in the corners of your home where there is dead Qi. (pronounced 'dust')." "Hang a crystal from your private parts. On a sunny day, at the right angle, it will reflect delicious little rainbows onto your knees." "Prosperity points: Find them. Visit them. Rob them." Enjoy. :P Taffyd, will post more later maybe.
Note #3 by Abbadon ... [Role-Playing Board] Title: The meaning of Disc Liff Hello I am Mad Mad Baron Abbadon Harkonnen Le'Zatapathique, the Despoiler. I am sure you are aware of the existance of the book entitled "The meaning of liff". Douglas Adams and someone else (Cecil Adams, i think), he took the names of british towns and gave them meanings as if they were obscure words. I have done this with several DW Player names. If you were on DW at around GMT 9:00 , Mon July 17th then you could be on this list! (Obviously people who's names are already words, or something like that are not on, MsMallory for example). So! Without further Ado... THE MEANING OF DISC LIFF Pt 1 By Abbadon Le'Zatapathique Dragonkin - A captured slave to a dragon Taffyd - A Welsh foothill 5000-7000 ft high Terano - A measurement unit for earthquakes Ibblek - A sort of small book, about 4 in ^2 Lanfear - A Virus-like program designed to break down Local Area Networks Archinta - An alcholoic beverage distilled from a flower from a species of cactus Asus - A peninsula formed by a volcanic lava flow Ayame - A senior ranking african tribal shaman Belgarion - A sub-atomic particle Buddenbaum - A flowerpot made of copper Camas - A small house decorated in a spanish style Canab - A redirected river's old path Delphyon - A structure used by the ancient Magratheans to hold stars Demonseed - An object used by a demonologist to summon a demon Drenin - An enzyme produced by the liver to maintain the Ph of the skin Ecthelicon - An Artifact from an atlantean-like civilisation, usually a book of some sort Elkor - An Elk Breeder Emitaet - A union between 2 or more celtic tribes Eshke - A deep sea vent on the moon Europa Hagi - A desert nomad Haloj - A person who develops new products for biscuit manufacturers Igraine - A semi-chopped tree Illusori - One who has witnessed an Illusion
Note #4 by Presto at ... January 16, 2000 ...[Commonroom Board] Title: Re:#3 Creator Limericks Mark III On Sun Jan 16 20:08:47 2000, Alleya wrote: > > > > > Hey you should include Presto's version of Jabberwocky! hmm wait, I > > haven't read it, so maybe you did. oh well. > > > > > > Jeslek > > > Ooh! Where can I get a copy? > Alleya Documentation ------------- Twas buggy, and the dodgy code Did mire the Discworld in the lag. The functions were a bollocks load, And all the cres did gag. No Documentation, my son. The bugs that bite; the segs that fault. Beware the errored bus, And shun the curious process halt. So he took his runtime log in hand; One thousand lines of code he grepped. So idled he on his ISP and cussed out cres inept. And as in crappy code he groped, Documentation, with comments lame, Came rifling through the stuffed-up files And garbled as it came! Oh hell! Oh hell! Just swell! Just swell! The runtime log had done its job! He entered ed. It mashed his head. He gave up with a sob. He lost his fight with Documentation, So through the bugrepped files he dug, And responded thus, no muss, no fuss With: This is not a bug. Twas buggy, and the dodgy code Did mire the Discworld in the lag. The functions were a bollocks load, And all the cres did gag. --Presto -- Vescere bracis meis.
Note #5 by Jhn ... March 2000... [Witches' Guild Board] Title: Re:#2 Thanks [scene: a clearing, deep in the Ramtops. A large number of witches are here, giggling derangedly. Some of them have been dancing skyclad. As the picture- box pans around, you can see many, many empty bottles] WITCH 1 I gotta.. gotta get goin'... comin' dearie? WITCH 2 Jusht a mo'.. WITCH 3 You sure you okay to fly? WITCH 1 Yeah, sure.. I been been flyin' theesh hillsh since.. since.. long bloody time.. [WITCH 1 and WITCH 2 stagger over to a tree to retrieve their broomsticks. They unsteadily mount them.] WITCH 2 My place next week! [Cheering.] [WITCH 1 and WITCH 2 stagger skywards, and fly off towards their homes. They seem to be veering somewhat from side to side.] WITCH 2 Wash ou' for tha' bird! WITCH 1 Wha'? [Squark!] WITCH 1 Hey, y'kno' the.. th'old pass... thing. Copper'ead way. WITCH 2 Passh.. thing. Yeah. woshname. WITCH 1 Narrow. WITCH 2 Yeah... wha' 'bout it? WITCH 1 You ever fly it? WITCH 2 Nah. 'stoo narrow. Dangeroush. Tha'sh what they shay. WITCH 1 What THEY shay! Whadda THEY know? WITCH 2 Yeah! 'shright! I reckon... I reckon we should do it! Show who'sh bosh! WITCH 1 Yeah! [WITCH 1 suddenly veers to the right, almost falling off. WITCH 2 continues on for a little while, before making an even more precipitous turn.] [scene: a cliff face. The sort of cliff face that might have heard of erosion, but isn't having any of it. A broken broomstick is stuck in a cleft. WITCH 1 hanging from a rock below it. There is a deep chasm below her. WITCH 2 is hovering nearby on her broomstick.] WITCH 1 Wher'... where'd tha' mou'n come from? WITCH 2 You look pretty beat up... WITCH 1 Hey! Gemme outa here! [WITCH 2 unsteadily tries to manoeuvre her broomstick closer to WITCH 1. But, as she leans over, she slips and falls off. She hits the rock WITCH 1 is dangling from. It shakes and some scree is knocked loose.] WITCH 1 60expletive>! [WITCH 2 climbs to her feet.] WITCH 2 Gotta... gotta get my broom.. [WITCH 2 jumps for her broom. In accordance with classical physics, the rock receives downwards pressure -- enough to break it loose. The rock, and WITCH 1, plunge into the chasm. WITCH 2, meanwhile, manages to catch her broomstick. She is left hanging by two hands over nothingness.] WITCH 1 Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee............. WITCH 2 Peggy...! Nooooooooo! [WITCH 2's broomstick drifts idly into the mountainside. WITCH 2 drops off it and collapses in the snow, sobbing inconsolably.] [Fade.] VOICEOVER If you DRINK then FLY, you're a BLOODY IDIOT. -- jhn, yes, this is modelled on a real ad campaign in NZ...
Note #30 by Tannah posted at Mon Mar 27 18:19:36 2000 [Playtesters Board] Title: "Re:#2 ROOM BUG for /d/ram/moorland/moorland04" On Mon Mar 27 17:37:01 2000, Curious wrote: >>> On Mon Mar 27 17:05:33 2000, Karek wrote: > >>> It is foggy, and yet bright. > >>> Why is this so? >> >> While strongly reminiscent of earlier work, such as "I squelch yet >> I am dry", this bugrep somehow fails to capture the same spirit and >> ephemereal relevance as its predecessor. >> >> Still a worthy attempt, with good atmosphere and talented directing. >> Four and a half stars. >> >> Curious Forestweaver. >> -- And over to you, Margaret... I returned it to him. "Denied: this is not a haiku" He has submitted a revised report: At centre of moor It is foggy and yet bright Pray, why is this so? - No.3 Hen -- Eat, drink and be fat and drunk
Note #6 by Akasha ... April 2000 ... [Frog Board] Title: Disc Song My cat was humming this so I thought I'd share :) It's set to the tune of All Star Somebody once told me the disc was gonna roll me, I ain't the smartest priest in the guild. She was looking kind of dead with her skin all white and numb, And her friend with a sign that said RES her. Well the dead start coming and I hit the portal running, Paid to raise the dead and and keep the money coming. Did it make sense to give that res for free? My pockets are empty but she swears she loves me. So much to do so much to see so what's wrong with Takin the carriage? You’ll never advance if you don't kill You’ll never advance if you don't kill! Hey now you're alignments good, get your robes on Go pray Hey now you're gods happy, advance somemore Go play! All that decomposes is dead Raise someone to get a head! It's a big disc, and they say it gets bigger You think you're an oldbie now with that chip on your shoulder But the ancient ones beg to differ, judging by the question that you asked on the talker! The carriage we take is getting pretty full Better get a ring and a brand new portal My group's oasis farming, how about yours? That's the way we like it and we never get bored Hey now, you're on the disc now, get some xp Get paid Hey now, you're on the disc now, buy a g-string Get laid. All that grunt are our warriors! All that inhume are assassinins! A newbie once asked, could I spare some Lancre cash, I don't seem to have the right coins to advance. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little cash myself And we could all use a little magic Well The tells start coming and they don't stop coming! I earmuff all I can and hit the sky running! Did it make sense to enchant for free? You blade may suck but here have some more tea So much to make so much to drink So what's wrong with using an alias? You'll never heal if you don't brew You'll never radience if you don't circle! Hey now, you're a new witch, deliver your tea Get killed Hey now you're new witch, enchant for free Get spamed! All who are rude get ignored! Only shooting meteors kill Greebo!
Note #7 by Curious ... April 3, 2000 [Frog Board] Title: Re:#4 Whoops! On Mon Apr 3 12:32:03 2000, Fortesque wrote: > Yeah, sometimes i really wonder why there isn't a DW zMud plugin Because REAL MEN use TinyFugue. NOT for Wimps. NOT for GUI-Nancy-Persons. NOT for Mac-OS users. NOT for "the Lame" (See above). NOT for anyone who has anything to do with Caldera. NOT for people who eat Quiche. NOT for the pregnant, overweight, infirm, those with back injuries, or those alergic to peanuts. NOT for my Boss ( see "Lame" ). NOT for your Boss ( see "Mac-OS user" ). NOT for ANYONE ELSES Boss ( see "Nancy Reagan" ). In fact, TinyFugue would have almost certainly been the choice of the following historical figures, had they been mudders: * Ghengis Khan, Mongolian Warlord and Quilting Bee Champion! * Wyatt Earp, dashing lawman! * John Wayne, the Soul Of Masculinity (TM)! * JFK, "the last gunslinger"! * Charlton Heston, who has a craggy face! * The Ancient Masters of Tibet, Ancient Masters of Tibet! * Myself, the 4th Dan master of Llap-Goch! [1] TinyFugue combines the intuitive nature of Ed(1) [2] with the functionality to size ratio of a SIMPLE MACHINE all in an ATTRACTIVE, ANSI COLOURED PACKAGE. TinyFugue will run under almost ANY flavour of Unix! Even BASTARD half-breed STUPID ones like Caldera OpenLinux! And while we spit on their memory, certain traitors to the cause have even ported TF to less WORTHY platforms. [2.5] Do YOU worry about the BUGBEAR of the digital economy, DATA SECURITY? You need never FEAR for your precious logs again, nor your aliases or *cough*teaching triggers*cough* as TF is so HARD to use, that no-one besides another adept will ever be able to figure out whats going on. And better yet, there are so few other adepts, that you can virtually guarantee that any and all that come to loot your data will be doing it for All The Right Reasons [3]. TinyFugue does not coddle the weak. The only concession we make towards those GUI-softie-pinko-mac-fuzzy-supervga people is a separate text entry area... an area with THREE times as many lines as ZMud, and which furthermore is designed to be TURNED OFF as you come to the apex of your powers and no longer need it standing in your way. Nor is there "up arrow" support! In MY day we couldn't even AFFORD the Up arrow, and it was considered a LUXURY to be able to move side to side, on our 24 column by 1 row terminals, which were actually pieces of PAPER being held at the back by OTHER STUDENTS. The ASCETIC and TRIALSOME nature of The Fugue will HARDEN you into an Ubermudder, capable of going through inordinate hardship and suffering, borne solely on the psychic muscle you build up simply getting your client to WORK the way you WANT it to. Nolonger will you worry about being CORPSE LOOTED, breaking your HELM [3.5] or being BANISHED, as all will seem like a WALK IN THE PARK after having used TinyFugue for THREE DAYS. And this was if you were FORTUNATE enough to be able to buy a terminal of this sophistication. One man I knew could only afford a 1 x 1 phospor screen with NO mouse, NO printer and a keyboard only on ALTERNATE TUESDAYS. He had to write out each letter as he typed it, but we still considered it the PEAK of DECADENCE. And this was in ADDITION to walking four thousand miles through the freezing cold of INTERSTELLAR SPACE to get to the terminal room, only to find that the COMPUTERS themselves hadn't been INVENTED YET. But we were lucky. Oh yes. We were lucky. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, TINYFUGUE is how I mud at work, while making it look like SERIOUS terminal based APPLICATION development ( although the colourcodes are a bit of a giveaway ) in just the same way that I use LYNX ( another Real Man Product ) to browse the web on COMPANY TIME. You should GET TinyFugue [4] NOW, you should COMPILE, install and USE it, and you should give your LIFE over to its contemplation and study. Only THEN will you be truly happy, trying to figure out how to get the roman numerals module to mesh happily with the RegExp engine and the INBUILT spell checker, as the world happily crashes to a burning halt around you. Friend, I could go on. For pages more. But the best way for you to see what I mean is to try it for yourself. That, and I'm at work, and hence want to hack on the TinyFugue source a bit before lunch. Curious. -- Windows without X is like sex without a partner. [1] While not a historical figure yet, I am a patient man. [2] See previous posts. [2.5] Like FreeBSD. Oh yeah, and Windows. [3] Your mileage may vary. [3.5] http://www.greebo.com/curious/narglfrob.jpg [3.75] [3.75] And don't come crying to me when you don't get it. [4] http://www.tcp.com and scroll down.
Note #8 by Curious on April 15, 2000 [Frog Board] Title: Re:#1 Newbieland National Anthem On Sat Apr 15 18:25:35 2000, Lataub wrote: And here is MY favourite piece of spam at the moment... ( from the GNU humour page ) --- HAKAWATHA Submitted by Paul Boyd. Not sure where this came from, i've had it around for well over 10 years now HAKAWATHA with apologies to H.W. Longfellow First, he sat and faced the console Faced the glowing, humming console Typed his login at the keyboard Typed his password (fourteen letters) Waited till the system answered Waited long and cursed its slowness (Oh, that irritating slowness - Like a mollusc with lumbago) Waited for what seemed like hours Till the operating system Printed out the latest whinings From the man called "superuser" - Moanings that some third year students Played adventure games at lunchtimes, Moanings the the Disc was nearly (VERY nearly) full to bursting, Growling that he wouldn't take it Screaming that he'd get his own back By deleting peoples' discfiles. Next, came Hakawatha's "fortune" (Didn't find it very funny) Then from "mailer" took a letter From a fellow network hacker (Who had penetrated ARPA All the way to Greenham Common - Though his prowling through the filestore Hadn't pleases the US Airforce - So this friend, this network hacker, Had to flee to Argentina Where he works on simulations Simulations of their army's Capture of the Falkland Islands). Finally, my Hakawatha Started to type in a program. First, he thought for many minutes What the Devil he should call it So that later he'd remember What it did and why he wrote it, Thought for many, many minutes, Thought too long, because the system timed him out for doing nothing Timed him out and warned him sternly (Like an irate bus inspector While you fumble for your ticket When you could have SWORN you'd put it Safely in an inside pocket). So the wretched Hakawatha Had to start from the beginning Type the login and the password - Found the system even slower Even slower than the first time (Just as though some evil spirit Had reprogrammed all of UNIX In the language LISP or OCCAM - Which among the cognoscenti Are not famed for running quickly Rather for their ponderous slowness Like a third year CS student Trying to make out a theorem Such as that of Church and Rosser). After many, many minutes After risking death from boredom On the screen, my Hakawatha Saw a message from the Network Saying there were no free consoles, Telling him to just forget it, Telling him to come back later (Say, two-thirty in the morning Preferably a Sunday morning, Sunday, in the long vacation). But at this, my Hakawatha spoke in language full of fury: "I would rather write in COBOL On a Sinclair ZX80!" Thus, the Gods heard Hakawatha Heard the Thunder of his anger Heard him damn the "superuser" To a post in Social Science Heard him damn the Network to be Slowly boiled in caustic soda Heard him curse the sort of people Who use LISP instead of Ada (Ada is a complex language Copyright, Defence Department It has got a formal syntax Rather longer than the Bible But semantically there's nothing But informal chitter-chatter. Reader! Use it at your peril!) And the Gods took pity on him (Though they quite deplored the language Quite deplored the filthy language Utilised by Hakawatha) Brought about a console failure Of some wimp in Economics Freed a line so he could use it Made his screen display a message: "Sorry, we were only joking Please log in and type your password We'll be with you in a jiffy." Thus assuaged did Hakawatha Type his login and his password Read again the Jeremiads Of the manic "superuser" Read his fortune (still not funny) And prepared to type his program. Still, alas, my Hakawatha had no notion what to call it What to call this wretched program So that he'd remember later What it did and why he wrote it But the dreaded timeout th=eatened So to save himself from bother He just called it "program 7" Not a name that had much meaning Signifying nearly nothing - Though it has the real advantage That it fits in with this metre) Meaning to "mv" it later When he'd though of something lYeditor he entered Hakawatha then typed quickly Very, very, VERY quickly Swifter than a third-year student Trying to avoid his tutor Swifter than a "Sun" `reporter' On the track of something smutty Like an eagle flew his fingers Only pausing several moments While he taxed his recollection For his algorithm's details These he knew but only vaguely (As the mists that on the sunrise Cloak the lofty mountian summit As the blur that s-nd-rs printers Make instead of underlining As the third year students' notion Of the proof of Turing's Theorem) These deliberations ended Hakawatha typed yet faster Missing quotes and semicolons Missing many closing brackets (Comments, these he left for later Till he understood his program Understood what he'd been doing) Confident that the compiler Would pick up the syntax errors Thus, the program grew like wildfire Like the spread of some contagious Malady, like AIDS or BASIC Or as miners ceased their striking In the reign of Arthur Scargill. Hakawatha typed like fury Clatter, clatter went the keyboard Like a set of manic dentures So the morning, so the lunchtime, So the afternoon receded Like the superuser's hairline When beset by third year students All intent to learn his password Till at last the stars were twinkling Till at last the pubs were open Till Security, reminded Tapped upon his door and warned him "Sorry, sir, but all late workers Have to sign the sign-in book, sir." Even then, my Hakawatha Hardly heard what he was saying Very red and glazed his eyes were Cramped and aching were his fingers Void and rumbling was his stomach Cold and sweaty was his forehead Warm and humming was the console Like a cow with indigestion Thanked Security and told him That he'd do it "in a minute" That he'd "totally forgotten All that bureaucratic nonsense In the white-heat of creation" Asked to warn him if the building Burnt down in the next few minutes Thanked him for his "kind attention" Then, ignoring him completely, Turned again and hit the keyboard With his swift and able fingers Till at last the night lay heavy Till at last the pubs were closing Till at last the job was finished. Next my Hakawatha summoned The appropriate compiler Asking it to take his program And attempt its execution Listing any syntax errors - Should by any chance there be some - In a file that he called "errors" (Stunning was the inovation Vouchsafed by this choice of naming) Asked it please to run in background. Swiftly grew the file named "errors" Till it seemed to grow much larger Than the file called "program 7" Larger was the file named "errors" Larger than the largest mountain Larger than the cost of Trident Larger than the monstrous ego Of that God whom men name D--kstr- Larger even than the software People call the UNIX mailer (Though, perhaps, exaggeration, Or that licence named poetic Leads me to commit an error Since we know the UNIX mailer To be bigger and more faulty Than the liner named Titanic) Worried now grew Hakawatha Tride to kill the background process Tried to bring it to the foreground Tried to say to the compiler "That'll do, guv, for the moment" All unheedingly the process Gobbled bytes like no-one's business Till it seemed as though the system Would collapse from sheer exhaustion >From the quantity of page swops Needed by this tireless process. Desperate grew Hakawatha Vivid, yet again, his curses Purpled the attendant shadows. Thus the Gods heard Hakawatha Listened in to the bad language Thought that they had better stop it Firmly told the UNIX system Firmly, to stop all its nonsense Firmly, to abort the process. Now, this program had a pointer Pointing to a record union Pointing sometimes to a REAL Or an INTEGER or BOOLEAN Pointing sometimes to a pointer To ARRAY of FILE of RECORD Each of which in turn had pointers Each of which, in mad recursion, Pointed madly at each other (Like a crowd of Sunday tabloids Pointing the accusing finger At each other's lack of morals Like a crowd of left-wing students All accusing one another Of revisionistic leanings) In this mess of pure confusion (with what seemed to Hakawatha At the time a stroke of genius But which now he couldn't clearly Understand why he had done it) He had placed a simple statement Placed a simple-looking statement Re-assigning the FIRST pointer To some other, and he couldn't QUITE remember where he'd put it, Felt that this might be the reason Why his program wasn't working Wasn't doing what he wanted. This occasioned some frustration Caused the noble Hakawatha To commit profane expletives Caused him to cry out "Debug her!" (Or, I THINK that's what he shouted). "There are easier methods, surely, Methods for the computation Computation of factorial! Stuff this for a game of soldiers! I am going to the staff club For a pint of Romfords' Glory!" Thus departed Hakawatha. Hope you like it Paul Boyd
Note #9 by Sousjagne on April 18, 2000 [Commonroom Board] Re:#8 Bug rep. On Tue Apr 18 13:54:08 2000, Awful wrote: > On Tue Apr 18 11:00:04 2000, Presto wrote: > > > We endeavor to increase online player enjoyment by creating new > > paradigms of Discworldian entertainment structure. > > No, that's too clear. You also used too many words that are really > words and I think it's a law that you have to use 'proactive' in > there somewhere. > > We endeavor to proactively increase online player enjoyment by using > synergy to create new paradigms of Discworld entertainment and > applying structuring to the dynamic processes. > > Hmm. Still needs more non-words. I and others sincerely endeavour to proactively aggrandise online player enjoyment by using synergy to produce rejuvenated confines of mindset and lifestyle of Discworldian entertainment in addition to applying structure to the dynamic proccesses. But, this paradigm as I've described it above, as a set of assumptions and believes more or less collectively owned, is likely to be inseparable from the web of cultural artifacts specific to the organisation. Sousjagne, trying too hard.
Note #10 by Sloth on May 8 2000 [Frog Board] Re:#9 Triggers that give advantage aren't allowed are they? On Mon May 8 10:20:08 2000, Presto wrote: "a Whopping Buttload (tm)" > --Presto Hey you stole my term. You sorta twisted it slightly. But you still stole it. I had been useing Metric Buttloads, and Cosmic Clumploads as base units for very large amounts. For those of you who are interested a Metric Buttload is exactly 45 8ths of a mol and a Cosmic Clumpload is 47 Kilo Metric Buttloads. -- Sloth ---------------------------------------------- Searching for a decent but witty thing to shove in his signature
Note #50 by Schmuckles posted at Sun May 14 19:52:12 2000 [Witches' Guild Board] Title: "Learning to Fly" Learning to Fly *apologies to Gilmour, Moore, Ezrin and Carin* ----------------------- ----Learning To Fly---- ----------------------- Into the distance, tired and heartsick Balancing carefully on an old broomstick A flight of fancy with my bat at my side Trying to hover but just managing a glide A fatal attraction to the sky above Can I escape this selfdestructive love? Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies Struggling and wretched just a young wet hen am I Ice is forming on the end of my broom Unheeded warnings, I have been going too high too soon No navigator to guide my way round Just me and my bat, far from the ground A hen thats learning, that's willing to try Condition grounded by the next misfly Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies Struggling and wretched just a young wet hen am I Broomstick - set. Fuel - rich Bat - ready Broom - aim towards Klatch Shake broom - *gurgle* - check Enough fuel - *glare* - recheck Furry Jumper for bat - done Destination - scorpion Broom verbose - on Fireflies - on Bonded broom - on (to Nanny): Confirm Schmuckles-Fwubbles ready for departure (Ogg): Wotcher dearie, it's nearly midnight (to Nanny): Nearly midnight, ready to go (Ogg): Rightio dearie, Windsock is to the south. (to Ogg): Lawks Easy on the runoff, there are a couple of rocks nearby... I'll just run towards this cliff and... Above the disc, on rickety stick, A cloud of dust, a vapour trail from overfueling it, Across the moon you see my shadow fly With my bat flapping across the sky A flight so smooth, gliding through the night I hope my ot.dir will get me there without misflight There's no sensation to compare with now The moon above me, the jumping cow (*waves to Leeda*) Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies Struggling and wretched just a young wet hen am I
Note #11 by Awful on June 2000 [Flame Board] Title: Tech Support Not really a flame, but I'm sure enough people here have had to do tech support that you can relate to this. I can't take credit for writing it, I found it on my Amiga when I was looking for some old stories that I wrote. Still haven't found them, but this was worth hooking Amy up again. To the best of my knowledge, credit for this must go to Jen Kraljevich, former co-owner and sysop for the long departed Tezcat.com. -- Warning: Any resemblance between this fictional piece and a real person is most certainly accidental. *ring* *ring* "Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?" "Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak" "Okay... well, do you have to go now?" "Yes, I do" "Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?" "MALE-CLONE..." "Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.." "My what?" "Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down" "I see shoes" "No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.." "The round thing?" "Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like alot of little metal things sideways" "Oh, okay.. got it. Okay, it's open.." "Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?" "No." "Do you see your willy?" "No." "Okay... what do you see?" "I see white... just white and some lines.." "Do you have underwear installed?" "No." "Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...." "Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..." "Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.." "It's stuck... it won't go down..." "The white part? Or your willy?" "My willy..." "DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...." "Oh... okay, we're there...." "Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?" "I see a little penguin on a shelf ..." "Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have alot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..." "Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..." "Okay, well... let's go upstairs..." "I can't walk..." "Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs .. then uninstall your underwear again..." "That was the white part, right?" "Yes, sir... that's correct..." "Okay, I'm upstairs..." "Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?" "Well, there's two..." "How tall are you sir?" "5'4" .." "Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...." "Okay....I'm there" "Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl .. now just go.... " "What do you mean?" "Well, when it pops up... just hit "okay"....." -- Awful Horrid, acting Awfully. Barbarian Answers Your Questions! http://pages.ripco.net/~barbarian/
Note #11 by Jhn posted at Thu Oct 12 03:37:15 2000 [Equality Board] Title: "Re:#2 A poem" On Tue Oct 10 15:41:00 2000, Mono wrote: > How do you do that? > Write poems like that? How to create a poem, in five easy steps, which I will illustrate with an example: 1) Take an arbitrary piece of prose. A ferocious storm created havoc in Canterbury today as many residents faced evacuation, thousands experienced power cuts, and road closures cut off access to outlying Banks Peninsula towns. 2) Remove all punctuation and capital letters. a ferocious storm created havoc in canterbury today as many residents faced evacuation thousands experienced power cuts and road closures cut off access to outlying banks peninsula towns 3) Remove random words. a ferocious storm havoc in canterbury today residents evacuation thousands cut power road cut access peninsula towns 4) Insert random line breaks. a ferocious storm havoc in canterbury today residents evacuation thousands cut power road cut access peninsula towns 5) Give to English lit person to analyse for deeper meaning. -- jhn, autopoet.
Note #2 by [Anonymous] [Frog Board] Title: How To Sing The Blues In Twenty Easy Lessons (long) In the sprit of the previous posts on 'autopoetry' I now present this... ----------- HOW TO SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin) 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in ditch; ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund. 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") 20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
Note #18 by Ohdamn at Fri Nov 17 05:28:24 2000 on board am Title: Mrs. Cosmopilite Player called Paranoia deposited the following tie in Smiling Achmed's auction house: It is a pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering pale Klatchian Lancrastrian Auriental cute formal sheer fluffy witch's assassin's priest's thief's wizard's thick thin bright medium large small soft sporty suave crinkled stylish sexy tight durable pointy impressive long short deep masculine feminine shadowy flowing big comfortable overpowering frightening oversized lacy shiny loose-fitting torn furry faded dark colorful patched shabby homespun simple foolish majestic neatly tailored ill-fitting crinkly puffy shimmering rainbow fishnet tie with mystical sygils. It has been hand made by Mrs. Cosmopilite, and is very exclusive. It is made out of the finest of fabrics and looks absolutely great on you. It looks well worth the price paid for it. Would it be possible to change Ms. Cosmopilite so she only allows a certain number of adjectives? 10 maybe? Or 15? :) Ohdamn
Note #52 by Kili at Mon Nov 20 06:03:31 2000 on board flame Title: Loading This might be really old, but... =P Sung to the tune of "Rawhide" _______________________ Loading, loading, loading, Damn this Java coding, There's that feeling of forboding, Reload! The Applet says it's running, And that big grey block is stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Tighten, tweakin', smoothen', They say the codes improvin', So how come I'm still usin' "reload"? I'm tired of all this waitin', Just give me .gif animation, This code is only good for wasting time, The applet says it's running, And grey block is quite stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind, Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Reload!
Note #7 by Fevvers posted at Tue Nov 21 07:56:16 2000 [Fluff Board] Title: "Mr. Dibbler's Meat Pie" After listening to "American Pie" and flubbing the words and starting my own, this seemed necessary, and was quite fun to do. :) *runs in fear from Don McLean* Mr. Dibbler's Meat Pie A long, long time ago... I can still remember how that tourist used to make me scream. And I knew if I avoided one from nine, That I could make that luggage mine, And have more riches than I'd ever dreamed. But the Hublands made me shiver, To the Ice Giants I'd deliver News from Cori Celesti.... The old spat was getting nasty. I do remember seeing Offler glower About returning the lawnmower But I chased after dense Twoflower The day Windle Poons died (Refrain:) Bye bye Mr. Dibbler's meat pie Flew my carpet to the Rimfall but the Rimfall was dry Them Lancre boys were drinkin' scumble and rye Singing "Wizards know the day that they'll die, Wizards know the day that they'll die." Did you write the Book of Om, And do you attempt to split the thaum If the Octavo tells you so? Now do you know how to truly ook Can magic all your dinners cook And can you teach me how to eat all day? Well I know that you've been meeting him At the Y.M.R.C.I.G.B.S.A. gym You've been ransacking with Cohen Man, I hear the Ankh's been flowin' I was a not quite licenced bard upstart With a clean-cut tunic and a one-horse cart But Satchelmouth taught me I wasn't too smart The day Windle Poons died I started singing... (Refrain) Now at some point we went down the other leg And the trousers of time came right off the peg But we're getting more used to parallels When the reaper rode a bone machine In a coat he borrowed from the Dean And a voice that spoke in hollow capitals Oh and while fate was scratching his ass The reaper flipped an hourglass That reality was adjourned The sand was overturned And while Ponder tried to program Hex The Senior Wrangler recalled sex As Mrs. Whitlow did him vex The day Windle Poons died We were singing... (Refrain) Hither, thither, Bursar's in a dither The Things came from we know not wither Eight calls to them but Rincewind's fast His lungs were good and his legs were lithe Lancre's Morris Men were drunk and blithe With the reaper at a grindstone with his scythe Now the Morpork air could make you cry While Sergeant Colon stayed warm and dry We all jumped up to flee Oh, but Pictsies hit our knees 'Cause the Morris Men put on their bells Sam Vimes's watch put them in cells Do you recall Ridcully's spells The day Windle Poons died We started singing... (Refrain) And there we were all on the Disc The Lady putting us at risk With the Silver Horde off in Agatea So come on Esk be witchy, Esk don't pout Eskarina wave that staff about 'Cause magic is a wizard's only friend And as I watched the sluggish rays My eyes were filled with octarine haze No gnome being chased by Hrun Could beat out Rincewind's run And as the sun slowly poured over night To light the carpet on its flight I heard Rincewind screaming out of sight The day Windle Poons died He was singing... (Refrain) I met a girl who dressed like Death And I asked her to delay my last breath But she just grinned and sliced away I blundered into the travelling store Where I'd found a strange harp years before But the Music With Rocks In wouldn't play And in the streets where Dibbler plied his con Roamed Coffin' Henry, Arnold and Ole Ron But only "woof" was spoken The Mended Drum was broken And the assassins I would avoid most Of Vetinari's contract they would boast Then find inhuming even harder as a ghost The day Windle Poons died And they were singing... Refrain (2x) -Fevvers, very proud about the bit with the lawnmower and rhyming "scythe"
Note #53 by Drakkos posted at Tue Dec 19 20:27:23 2000 [Playerhelp Board] Title: "Noda and Adon" To the tune of Winter Wonderland. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Commands a' queueing, Are you listenin'? Can't cast no spells, Can't 'look'... no whistlin'. He types in a 'score', It queues, and no more, Noda doesn't know quite what to do. Logs on his alt, Feeling worried, No liaisons on, His heartbeat hurried... He grabs hold of me, (Unfortunately), Noda doesn't know quite what to do. 'Maybe it's because I use 'remember'', 'It only seems to happen now and then', 'But this has been the third time since November, 'My commands have queued over and again' 'This is the third time', 'I've had commands queue'. 'And I know it's wrong,' 'What else could I do?' He multiplayed, Since tells were delayed, Noda doesn't know quite what to do. 'Poor little you!' I console him. I called do_quit(), That unfroze him. And now you see, Invisibility... Drakkos knows exactly what to do. Drakkos.
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